The Adulterous Woman and her Avenger

This is one of my favourite stories in the Bible. Why? Well, I’ve always wanted to lead a revolution even as a child, the type that tips the scale of Justice in favour of the oppressed. It reveals the human society in its truest form. If you’ve ever been judged, look closely, you might just find your story there. So, this is how this story would have played out in this era of accolades.

Scene opens to Son of Man waiting under a tree with “Judas is Carrot.” Judas is on Twitter while Son of Man pings idly with earpiece in both ears.

Judas: Son of Man, why are you wasting your followership nah. (Opens dashboard) you have 2 million followers from Africa, Europe, Judea and all utmost parts of the world. Do you know how much you’ll make as a social media influencer?

Son of Man answered and said, “choose this day whom you serve. You cannot serve God and Mammon. He leans against the trunk of the tree, his legs crossed around the ankle (cues Kirk Franklin’s, (abi who sang Do You Wanna Revolution uhhhhh uhhhhhh?). He bops his head to the refrain as he posts a selfie of his with his beard gang dem on Instagram captioned: “Sermon at the mount was lit.” And in just 2 minutes, he had raked in 305 likes.

Comments read:
“Choooooiii, what manner of man is Rabbi???”

Son of man, face your multitude nah. No dey tension boys.
“Rabbi can slay sha. Verily, verily I say unto you thou art hot.”

“You are fairer. Much fairer than the lilies that grow by the Way.”

“Lily of the valley, what product are you using for your beards.”

“All this freshness for one person.

Show boys the way nah”

Son of Man replies, “I am the Way…”

Camera pans on a woman with bruised face, torn clothes and disheveled hair. A mob throngs behind her, screaming “e pa!!! e pa!!! (kill her; kill her!!!).
(Rabbi pretends not to notice and continues thumbing his phone) replies comment: “Lolllzzzz, na dem, na dem dey rush us.”

As if on cue, noise intensifies as woman falls at his feet, Rabbi almost loses balance.
SFX: Cue Nathaniel Bassey’s Olowogbogboro. (Removes one earpiece)

Son of Man: Don’t fall down me.
Mob: E pa! E pa!!! (Kill her, kill her)
Son of Man: E pa kini? Hayyyyss, what’s wrong with you? (Mob talks in thousands) Mbok, I am using only one ear to listen to you, so let somebody talk please. (Ayilara being the tallest assumes responsibility).

Ayilara: Son of Man, e ni believe e. We found this woman fornicating. In fact, we caught her pants down.
Rabbi: Ehhnn ehhnnn, is that so? Hmmmm very good, very what??? (Mob choruses: VERY GOOD!!!). So where is the man she is fornicating with? Abi is she fornicating herself?

(Jesujoba takes off. Son of Man sites Zeus ducking behind Amadi Oha). Ahhnnn ahhnnn Zeus, even you? You are here. You that is owing me money lati last month.
Zeus: Son of Man, I don pay you nah. You never see alert?

Son of Man: Which alert??? It will not be well with alert. (Turns round to call Judas who is already charging after Zeus that is now having a dialogue with his heels). Das right, mo jeri disciple mi (I trust my disciple). As I was saying o jare…

(A commotion-within-a-commotion had ensued as Angela intercepts her husband).
Angela: Ahhhhh, see this useless man o, even you follow come???
Son of Man: What is the cause of this hullabaloo?

Angela: (Imploring Son of Man) Since two weeks now, e neva come home. He say I no sabi give “head” again (Juliet squints in confusion, touching her head), das why e come dey follow olosho. Son of Man, this yeye man leave me and my chil’ren for two weeks. See my baby, e never chop since morring, e dey sick well well.

Son of Man: I see (not seeing at all). So, your pikin dey sick weh weh, and you get mind join body come here dey shout “e pa, e pa”. Are you alright laidis? (Fayo, Fejiro, Moyosola and Juliet got the message and carried their friend exit scene). Hayyyy God o, izinnor you people that…

(One by one, Son of Man “enter” all of them and the crowd thinned out gradually).

Son of Man to Woman (who is still clutching his ankle): Mama, please don’t break my femur come and be going.
Woman: To go to where? They will kill me.
Son of Man: Who? Wey dem? My own is sha go and change because “next time there will be no next time.”

Announcer: Na person we catch be tiff. Even side chicks too have become marriage counsellors overnight. “If only we learn to sweep our door steps, we’ll have lesser dirt in the streets…” #AdjustsHalo

Post Author: Arinola Ogunniyi

I tell simple everyday stories we take for granted in ways you wouldn't have imagined them. From dated stories, myths, reviews, "street-lores" to topical issues, these mind bending series will leave you begging for more. And if you trip over my sentence structures, it's part of the experience. You can call me the Last Story Bender. I mastered the rules of language to break them.

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